Humans are really complex creatures. Confused, weary and disappointed. It's shocking how some people wear so many masks.

It has been said that the eyes are the window to our souls.

Unfortunately so many people wear masks to hide who they are that no one ever gets to see their beautiful soul. Sadly enough, not only does no one else get to know the real them, but they often go through life wondering who they themselves are because they have lost touch with their real selves from spending so much of their lives wearing a mask and pretending to be someone they are not.

We often begin wearing a mask for protection but who are we really protecting ourselves from, the world around us or our own selves? Are we trying to hide who we are or how we feel? Or could we be wearing a mask in hopes of becoming something we are not? Just as putting on a happy face when inside we don’t feel very happy. Pretending to be friendly to be someone when you absolutely abhor that person.

Wearing a mask supresses your real emotions. When you wear a mask and don’t ever let anyone know who you really are, they can't walk into your life. When you need help but are too ashamed to ask for it. When you look at your life and feel that you’re living a lie. When wearing a mask begins to hurt you, then it is time to take it off.


Please Hear What I Am Not Saying
by: Jill Zevallos-Solak, Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul

Don't be fooled by me. Don't be fooled by the face I wear. For I wear a mask, I wear a thousand masks, masks that I am afraid to take off, and none of them are me.

Pretending is an art that is second nature with me, but don't be fooled, for God's sake don't be fooled. I give you the impression that I'm secure, that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within me as well as without, that confidence is my name and coolness my game, that the water's calm and I'm in command, and that I need no one. But don't believe me, please.

My surface may seem smooth, but my surface is my mask, my ever-warying ever-concealing mask. Beneath lies no smugness, no complacence. Beneath dwells the real me in confusion, in fear, in aloneness. But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it. I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear being exposed. That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind, a nonchalant, sophisticated facade, to help me pretend, to shield me from the glance that knows. But such a glance is precisely my salvation. My only salvation, and I know it.

That is if it is followed by acceptance, if it is followed by love. It's the only thing that liberates me, from myself, from my own self-built prison walls, from barriers that I so painstakingly erect.
It's the only thing that will assure me of what I can't assure myself, that I'm really worth something. But I don't tell you this. I don't dare. I'm afraid to. I'm afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh, and your laugh would kill me. I'm afraid that deep down I'm nothing, that I'm just no good, and that you will see this and reject me.

So I play the game, my desperate pretending game, with a facade of assurance without, and a trembling child within. And so begins the parade of masks, and my life becomes a front. I idly chatter to you in the suave tones of surface talk. I tell you everything that is really nothing. And nothing of what is everything, of what is crying within me. So when I'm going through my routine do not be fooled by what I'm saying. Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying, what I'd like to be able to say, what for survival I need to say, but what I can't say.

I dislike hiding. Honestly. I dislike the superficial game I'm playing, the superficial, phony game. I'd really like to be genuine and spontaneous, and me, but you've got to help me.
You've got to hold out your hand even when that's the last thing I seem to want, or need. Only you can wipe away from my eyes the blank stare of the breathing dead. Only you can call me into aliveness. Each time you're kind, and gentle, and encouraging, each time you try to understand because you really care, my heart begins to grow wings, very feeble wings, but wings.

With your sensitivity and empathy, and your power to understanding, you can breathe life into me. I want you to know that.

I want you to know how important you are to me, how you can be a co-creator of the person that is me if you choose to. Please choose to. You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble. You alone can release me from my shadow-world of panic and uncertainty, from my lonely prison. So do no pass me by. It will not be easy for you. A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.

The nearer you approach me, the blinder I strike back. I fight against the very thing that I cry out for. But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls, and in this lies my hope ... my only hope. Please try to beat down those walls with firm hands, but with gentle hands, for a child is very sensitive.

Who am I you may wonder? I am someone you know very well. For I am every man and I am every woman you meet.

Whee hee! :D

went shopping with my cousin today at Parkway.

aha haven't seen my cousin since Jan.

Fun:)

We went borders and listened to music, browsed books and looked at pretty notebooks and cards.

Then we went to isetan where my mum bought me a new shirt from MANGO:)

After that, we went to COTTON ON to look at clothes and pumps/flats.

We tried on bangles and huge rings at COTTON ON. We initially wanted to buy a ring from COTTON ON but decided the designs were quite limited so we went to CHAMELON.

Spent almost 1 hour (haha) choosing the rings. Spoilt for choices. In the end we went off empty-handed as we simply couldn't decide what to get:(

Next time then, cousin:) We shall get a matching ring. :D

We walked by famous amos and were attracted by the scent of freshly-baked cookie. We couldn't resist the temptation and bought some delicious cookies. YUM YUM! Mum bought 670g of cookies all in all. YAY cookies for breakfast tmr!

Then we went to SCOOPZ for durian ice-cream. I strongly recommend the durian ice-cream there! Guaranteed delicious or your money back! They used fresh and high quality durian to make their ice-cream. Really yummy. The queue is worth lining up for! Taste like real durian :D:D:D I never fail to visit the ice-cream shop whenever I shop at Parkway.

Cya soon dear cousin:) Remember to tag haha.

I didn't study today Oops :P 11 more days to blocks.

The weather nowadays is so HOT!

Unbearable:(

I wonder how people without air-condition survive! 我佩服你！

I would bathe with cold water everyday and emerge from the bathroom hot and sweaty:(

Then i would hid in my room with the air-con at full blast.

So unenvironmentally-friendly right?

All thanks to global warming.

I think it's a vicious cycle. You feel hotter due to global warming. You switch on the air-con. Contribute more to global warming. You feel hotter and hotter. Yup you get it right?

I cannot concentrate on my studies leh. I feel hot and irritated. :(

I should stock up on ice-cream, watermelon and more ice-cream!

I need to finish my chinese homework soon! Ren laoshi's essays are so hard!

Came back from LEP camp yesterday.

Super tired. We played cards for about 7 hours straight. But damn FUN and shiok:)

Haha we were planning not to sleep and play cards until breakfast at 8.30am. But one by one, we lost and fell to the power of sleep. I went to the toilet to take a break but when i came back I just collapsed on the bed cause i really couldn't take it. Yiling was wondering where i went. She thought i took far too long for toilet break and was kinda worried. She only realised i was asleep after 2 hours.

Me, meng jiao, char and mengfei were introduced to bridge by ming yue and ah ma.

We got so addicted that we specially went back to the dorm to play one round of bridge during our lunch break lol.

After the 11pm dorm check by the teacher, everyone came to our "gambling den".

There was once we played before 11pm and the teacher suddenly came in. We were almost caught red-handed. Meng fei stuffed her cards under the bed. I stuffed in in the drawer. Meng jiao sat on her cards. LOL then we smiled innocently at the teacher.

Yiling and cherntze got addicted after we taught them bridge. Told ya bridge is a fun game:) UNO is for kids:P


Almost everyone got "forced" by me and meng fei to play bridge. We were looking for "kakis" as we 三缺一.Then one by one everyone were hooked by bridge. Our room was packed with 14 people playing bridge! Then some people were hungry in the middle of the night so me and yiling sneaked downstairs to buy food.


Cherntze looks super funny playing bridge:) She thinks very hard and looks serious at times. Everyone was complaining how long she took to choose her cards. But she quite smart:) she got the game within less than half an hour.


During the lectures, i was doodling hearts, spades, clubs and diamonds on my 稿纸。


Bridge is the official game for LEP camp 2009:D

My group for LEP camp is 十二莲花。<3<3<3

I will miss every single one of you. Very cute group:D

I fell asleep during quite a lot of lectures and talks but i loved the ones by newscaster 林启元，ex-DJ 杨君伟 and 88.3FM DJ 张莹。Very cool and entertaining. Got to know much about deejaying and the TV media. There were even juicy gossips on certain celebs. :X Learnt quite a few tricks about writing. Feel more motivated now haha.

Oh yea, the dorm is pretty cool too:) We had transponders as keys. Ultra high-tech. You had to press the transponder to get to the dorm. First you press it on an MRT- like gantry. The kind you tap your ez-link card on at MRT stations. Then you press it on the sensor in the lift to select the floor you wanted to go. Each transponder can access one floor only, which is the floor your room is located. This way, the guys can't go to the girls' room and vice versa. After you come out from the lift, you had to scan it against the door knob of the level door, then you had dunno turn how many times clockwise or anticlockwise to open it and lock it. Haha i just anyhow turn and it somehow opens if i am lucky. After you pass the level door, you have to unlock your room door. Same thing, press, turn, open. So basically it's kinda troublesome. You have to use the transponder four times and you have like four stages to pass before you get to your room finally. Plus the transponder's EX, fifty dollars for a tiny button-like circle thingy.


There were individual beds for everyone which is good. Very comfy. Even though there's no air conditioning, it does get pretty windy and chilly at night if you open the windows and on the fans at full blast.

The food is quite nice:) Portions were very generous, a typical meal would consist of fish, meat, veggies, rice, soup, drink and fruits. But i wasn't very used to the huge portions. I was often left feeling bloated and heavy after meals. I think i will get fat if i stayed at the Singapore Sports school for another week. Seriously, all we did in a day was basically, eat, sit and listen to lectures in the air-conditioned audi and fall asleep, eat again, sit and sleep, eat and doze off, eat, play, sleep. FIVE meals in a day. IMAGINE!

I wonder if there would be a chance to go back to SSS again. The environment there is really fantastic:)

Had CIP at Toa Payoh today.

It's the true hearts mini roadshow for the community chest.

Me, meng jiao and ah ma went for the cip together.

We sold windmills for $2 each.

Haha i pwn meng jiao and ah ma. I sold all my windmills like way before them:P We even went back to the organisers to restock our windmills to sell:) They were quite impressed by us. :D

So i helped ah ma and meng jiao sell theirs. It's quite fun. The trick? Target those with children. I asked the children " Would you like a windmill?" Usually, the parents would refuse them, but owing to the love they have for their children, they would relent and buy from me:) Also, "it's in the name for charity", i would emphasise. I think I am a good sales person:)

Sinagporeans are really kind-hearted:D

There was a person who said that she has no change now, so she couldn't donate and maybe she would come back later.

We thought that was just an excuse to avoid donating. We thought she would never come back as claimed.

But she did! She donated twenty dollars without taking the windmills and mobile phone accessories. She donated out of her heart without expecting anything in return.

That is the true spirit of charity:D

Of course there are many more stories of kind-hearted people that we came across yesterday. Too long to list. So i thought i should highlight one that has the most impact on me:)

Many people also refused the tokens of appreciation for donating. They said "You should save these and use these costs saved to help more people." I was touched.

Sadly, there are also and equal number of Singaporeans with hardened and cold hearts.

There was an uncle who scolded us. He was like " How many times do you all want me to donate?! Go away! People with a true heart for charity don't show it openly. 都不知道你们是真的还是假的。"

I was like a little startled and hurt. Most people who smile apologetically if they don't wish to donate. I can accept that. If you don't wish to donate, you don't have to scold us. We are just students who really want to do our part for charity.

There were also people who donated for the sake of free gifts. There was quite a number of people who thought the brochures i was handing out for the community chest was for the tickets to watch the rehearsal performance by mediacorp artistes at the hdb hub. “ 这个是不是进去看表演的票？是不是有捐款就可以进去？”
Initailly, they agreed to donate, but after learning that the brochures are not tickets, they changed their mind immediately.

Charity is all about giving right out from the bottom of your hearts. Because you truly want the best for the less fortunate. Not because if you donate, you will benefit youself some way or another.

The CIP activity really opened my eyes as to how ugly some people can be.

CIP activities are really meaningful, they expose students to what true human nature really is. Even though there are many kind-hearted angels, there are also many hard-hearted people. It also made me reflect how i sometimes walked past people soliciting for donations without thinking twice or stopping to donate.

I should really do more to help needy people around me.

In short, CIP helps to develop your character and prepares you for life.

I know my grouping for the LEP camp!

Hmm but i don't seem to know anybody leh. :(

I hope there will be at least one person from hwa chong.

Oh wells. There seem to be someone called huiling. Haha almost same name:)

Really hope the people in my group are nice :D

I wonder if the dorm at Singapore Sports sch is twin-sharing or group sharing.

Heard from seniors that the camp would be fun and the food is delicious and the accommodation is fantastic.

Sort of looking forward to it cause I am a tiny worried that I won't know anyone in my grp:( But at least i get to make new friends which is a good thing:)
Was hoping that i would be in the same grp as ah ma and the rest.

We were planning to play UNO at night haha. And of course talk and gossip:)

4 more days to LEP camp.

My muscles are aching from climbing up and down the shelves of the library for mass cleaning today. 4 hours of non-stop cleaning. I spent 4 hours wiping 3 whole shelves of chinese books. It was super tedious. You had to move the books to the trolley one by one, wipe the shelf with wet cloth, then with the dry cloth and move the books from the trolley to the shelf. Have you any idea how many columns and rows of books are there in one shelf? The hardcover books are especially heavy!

I was tired but happy:) You can actually spot the difference between a wiped shelf and and unwiped shelf. The amount of dust! I wonder how long the shelves have been left untouched. Now if you rub your fingers against the shelves, you can hear a squeaky sound:) Mdm Ang was rather amused by me. Even the cleaning auntie smiled at me knowingly. I think I looked like a spider, holding two cloths and a pail and a stool. She was like " You don't look like you do housework at home? Can manage?"
As a matter of fact, I do housework:) But only simple stuff like washing dishes and my socks and shoes. I don't wash toilets. I don't hang clothes because I got a phobia of heights. I can't handle the bamboo sticks well so I am also afraid I might kill people accidentally:(

okay another mass cleaning session next fri. I need time to recover from wrinkly skin with all the soap water and blisters from handling the books.

大扫除 today

In case you are wondering, it's not chinese new year yet.

Damn tiring!

My room looks rather clean and tidy now :)

I took like 5 hours and I sneezed so many times. Had sore throat, cough and flu for the past two days. The dust sort of worsened my phlegm. I almost couldn't breathe halfway.

Sigh.

But i am only halfway done with my spring cleaning:( Shall continue tmr.

My worksheets and table are too dusty. I haven't cleaned them since the O levels :(

I almost got a heart attack today. I was clearing my bookshelf when I found a cockcroach on my book. Luckily it was dead. But still. I think I was super brave. I didn't ask anyone for help. I cringed my nose, held my breathe and very slowly moved the book to the dustbin which was quite a distance away and quickly flung it in. PHEW! You have no idea how scary it was. I was super afraid that it will like revive and start moving . ARGH >< I think it has been dead for a long time. Quite gross. I am so terribly afraid of insects. I don't think i will ever overcome this phobia.

I wonder how my kids will think of me as a mum who is so terrified by bugs. I don't know why my parents have no adverse reactions to creepy crawlies. I think it's okay for girls to be frightened by bugs. As for guys, it seems a little un-manly to be startled by insects.

Imagine, if you are a father and your child sees a HUGE cockroach and relies on you to catch it.
Your child has always seen you as a hero, a big fatherly figure. Then you, being terribly afraid of cockroach, screams and runs away. The tall, manly image that your child has of you is shattered. Hmm so if you don't want to lose face in front of your child in the future, train hard now, by catching cockroaches with your bare hands to add more points to your manliness factor.

I do know of some guys who are afraid of bug:) haha good luck then

Jiayou me for another round of mass cleaning at library tomorrow and spring cleaning at home.

Had JTS for library with exco at yuki yaki:)

First time at yuki yaki. The food is quite tasty i must say.

You get to grill your own food. There is like a hot plate for grilling you own food with butter and a steam boat which is partitioned into two for two different soup bases. Tom yam, fish or chicken soup stock. Our table had fish and chicken. YUMMY:D You can make your soup more savoury by adding beef and mushroom into the chicken soup stock. Taste like a little like bak kut teh. We experimented by adding egg and stuff into the soups. SUPER FUN:D

I like the dory marinated with sambal paste grilled with butter.:)

We were quite noob at first haha. We didn't know that we could change the aluminium paper for the hot plate. Then we were wondering how come the other table's hot plate was always so clean while our's was like super charred. They actually cheated by changing the aluminium foiled thrice. We got laughed at when we sought their secret for keeping their hot plate so squeaky clean. To think we thought we were bad cooks.

Oh yes, you shouldn't eat breakfast before going to yuki yaki. Otherwise you will get super bloated like I did.

It's nice to have guys with you when you go for buffets. You can always pass the leftovers to them and they will "gladly" finish it for you. You can also ask them to take food for you when you are too lazy to walk or to heavy to walk after all that frenzy stuffing.

The seniors and juniors were having a mass watermelon eating session. I think we finished all the watermelon at yuki yaki:P

6 plates of watermelon in all. We were keeping scores to find out the case of the person who ate the most watermelon. Yiru, the watermelon-lover, was complaining because each time we took a new plate of watermelon, she always only get a piece. She got "angry" and started observing closely who took the most watermelon. In the end no one dared to take watermelon and gave the whole plate to her. We ate honeydew instead. She ate and ate until she gave up and offered some to us:)

Then we decided to grill fruits on the hot plate. HAHA hot fruits taste strange. We also made a smiley face on the hot plate using eggs and onion rings. FUN:D

I wanted to try the ice-cream buffet but then decided against it as i was simply too filled up.

The ice-cream buffet is super COOL. NO pun intended.

You get to create your own ice-cream. The hot plate used to grill all the fish and chicken wings is switched to a cold plate where you get to mix and play with the ice-cream mixture.

I want to "fry" my ice-cream on the cold plate! Anyone wants to join me?

Caution: Must have a lot of calories to spare.

Met up with char and meng jiao before the harmoc concert to buy flowers for ah ma and meng fei and to have dinner.

Char, meng jiao and me had dinner at Jack's place Ang Mo Kio.

It was strangely quiet as we were there at an odd timing of 4.30pm. It was neither lunch nor dinner.

The food there is rather tasty. I ordered fish and chips. Char ordered chicken cutlet while meng jiao ordered beef spaghetti. We had coke and chocolate ice-cream after our main course.

We actually had to wait quite long for the ice-cream after we finished our main course even though we asked the waiters twice. Maybe they didn't took us seriously as we were students. Or maybe they forgot. It was strange because there weren't much people other than the three of us.
When we went in, there were only one table of people other than us.

Oh well. But other than the service, the food, the ambience was great. I liked how quiet the restaurant is without the lunch crowd and all. We were actually rather worried if we were disturbing other diners with our excessive chatting and laughing because it was simply too quiet.

The most hilarious part was seeing how char ate her ice-cream. I was utterly amused when i saw puff of thin smoke coming out of her mouth as she spoke while eating her choco ice-cream.

She was rather bemused and confused when she saw me laughing so hard at the sight of her eating ice-cream.

Char: 什么？什么？笑什么？

It prompted me into more hysteric fits and i laughed even harder til i couldn't speak as I saw more and more smoke coming out of her mouth when she talked.

Meng jiao upon hearing my laughter and i think partly because when i laugh i look extremely amusing started to join in the laughter as well. She laughed so hard til she knocked her head against the panel behind her.

THAT WAS THE CATALYST OF THE whole LAUGHING EXPLOSION.

Char started laughing.

The whole table started laughing.

When i started demonstrating how smoke comes out from the mouth with ice-cream, the whole table shook with laughter. Shenyi, who joined us later, added to the laughing mania with her signature laughter.

Our laughing resounded through the whole jack's place restaurant.

Laughing session is good for relieving stress. :D:D:D:D:D:D

We should laugh more everyday.

Laughing in front of the mirror makes you happy and lifts up your spirits.

Laughing require less muscles than frowning.

Laughing trains your stomach muscles when you laugh too hard. So it helps to tone your stomach muscles. A good way to slim down.

But do not laugh when you are alone on the bus or mrt or in the lift.

Otherwise people will think you "xiao" .

We bought roses for ah ma and meng fei. Shenyi bought a balloon that was supposedly for meng fei and ah ma to share cause she had no more budget. Char said cut the balloon into two. I said give the air inside the balloon to ah ma and the skin of the balloon to meng fei.

Harmoc concert was GREAT! <3

Cherntze was stuck at the customs so we saved a seat for her.

The band sounded fantastic. HCharmoc, your hardwork paid off:D

I liked the bumblebee solo and the duets with the chinese songs.

The emcess were super funny with their playful banter and antics.

We screamed ahma's and meng fei's name so many times.

Hope they heard us though.

Ah haven't updated in a long time.

Been quite busy clearing my homework debt before the hols kicked in.

Was quite successful in my attempt I must say.

I just realised doing homework was nice:)

You know the feeling when u complete something when others didn't?

You feel less guilty and happy even during the teacher's lesson.

At least you have done something:) I used to dread some teacher's lesson.

Quite disappointed with my ISP results. I used to have 2 As but they have turned to 2 Cs instead.

Must coop myself up in the room and study like there's no tomorrow.

Goal: At least a C for all subjects and 2As.

Resolution for term 3: Complete all tasks and assignments, tutorials on time. Pay attention during lectures. Sleep before 12am everyday.