I have been having drastic moodswings. Being super happy and laughing like crazy and being so upset over minor things that I could cry for idk how long.
Yesterday was probably one of the lowest points in my life. It was a day i really experienced extreme moodswings.
I was really pissed off with someone. Someone really dear to me.
In a fit of an anger I sat on my bed and typed this message out in a fit of an anger:
I AM VERY PISSED OFF AND I KNOW THAT I AM NOT SUPPOSED TO BUT I CAN'T HELP IT. VERY PISSED. SUPER PISSED AND I FEEL VERY PETTY FOR BEING PISSED BUT I STILL AM VERY PISSED AND I AM PISSED WITH MYSELF FOR BEING PISSED AT YOU WHICH MAKES ME EVEN MORE PISSED SO YOU BETTER NOT PROVOKE ME. I AM SO PISSED THAT I DON'T MAKE ANY SENSE NOW AND I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO PISSED AT YOU BEFORE
Of course I didn't send it out to the intended person. I just wanted to vent my frustration. But in the fit of anger I almost lost my mind and I probably would have sent that hurtful message. In the end, I saved it in my drafts. And tried to psycho myself that I shouldn't shouldn't be angry. In the subsequent messages that I sent out to the friend, it was quite acidic but I didn't make it obvious that I was angry, for subconsciously, I knew there would be dire consequences if I did. And I wasn't prepared to risk it.
And yet a verse came to me while I was angry, Proverbs 17:17 A friend loves at all times. Then I sat at the bed and reflected on our friendship. And reflected what had happened. Our friendship for X years. X years, it was a long X years. I really really treasured this friendship . We have been almost everywhere together, been through many things, shared many things. Yes the friend wasn't perfect in all ways and of course I wasn't perfect too. I disliked many things about the friend and sometimes what the friend did really irked me. Once X years ago someone questioned me "Why do you hang out so often with the friend?"and not in a good tone either, like hanging out with her is like terrible or something, unacceptable. When I first saw the friend in ______, I thought the friend was 'friendless, boring, no-fun' sort of took pity and befriended the friend and brought the friend to my own clique. The friend didn't fit in well in the clique. The friend was often bullied and take advantage of by others. I left the clique. It was hard but I did. But I remembered looking out for the friend. So what if the friend's not "fun" at least the friend's pretty stable, nice, honest and simple. In fact, a good point is the good friend ain't as complicated as some people are. I don't care what others thought and I loved the friend for who the friend was and not for what the friend was. We accompanied each other alot. But after X years I have seen the friend grow and today the friend has changed alot for the better, more socially apt and likeable. For X years we never once fought before. For X years, despite our misgivings, we managed to maintain a strong bond between us. I asked myself : Was I a good friend to the friend? I probably wasn't enough. Was I being fair to the friend for being angry? I probably wasn't. What right had I for being angry with the friend? I probably didn't.
I felt my anger subside a little.
Thinking back, it was really stupid of me to do have typed that message in the first place. I am really glad that I managed to keep my cool and didn't press sent. I could have lost a really dear friend. A really dear blossom friend. The reason why I was so pissed in the first place seem so minor now and now I wonder why it was such a big deal in the first place. And yet anyone who knew me would know that I was not the type of person to get so pissed off easily and yet I was yesterday. Perhaps it was because this friend was so dear to me that it really mattered. So much so that love almost turned to hatred.
The sms that the friend sent back really made me teared. Torrents of tears. It made me feel so petty and little. I really don't deserve to have such a magnanimous friend. I wept because I was so ashamed of my own pettiness. I don't know if the friend would come across this post and know that i was once angry with the friend. I don't know if you know that you are the friend that I had been blogging about. But it probably won't matter now cos I am no longer angry with the friend. I was and am really glad that I still have the friend as my friend and I believe that we would still be friends for many years to come.
We like someone because. We love someone although.
I am sorry friend.